Today, I had dinner with two street kids who were selling cigarettes and bottled waters at BGC. If you know me, you'd know I'm not the type to go out of my way to feed anyone, but not tonight, I guess.

I was hanging out with one of my girlfriends from church, when we decided to go somewhere for dinner. I've seen her give money to an elderly woman before, only to get rejected when she asked to pray for her. Now, she was being generous again by treating a kid to dinner, and it was contagious. Obviously, I'm not the generous type, but after carefully gauging if the kids were the hardworking type, I opted to chip in for their dinner, too.

Sometimes I feel ashamed when I compare myself to other women. I question why I'm not generous enough, or not as gentle-hearted, or why I put up walls to box my own compassion. Generally, as a human being, I lack so many things, but moreso as a woman, where I'm not even close to the ideal. But ideal is relative. We're chasing after elusive definitions and standards that we probably won't meet, 'cause that's not who we were made to be.

Is there a list of ingredients on how to be the best woman we can be? Maybe a right mix of characteristics where we don't confuse femininity with masculinity? I don't know. Some women are made to be ambitious, bold, and fierce, while some are made to be calm, tender, and reserved. Some are made to be a little bit of all of those, in varying degrees. Some are made to stay, and some are made to run away, both of which are daring in its own way. Some are probably made wiser, and some more erratic and emotional. Some are called to wage battles intellectually, emotionally, or even physically. And most will probably feel bipolar during that time of the month. But there is no shame in all of that.

I've harbored this feeling for so long, but I guess there's no point in hiding. I've felt insecure because maybe I wasn't beautiful enough, or smart enough, or caring enough. Maybe I was too talkative, clumsy, or outspoken. Sometimes I am made to feel less of a woman because I'm not as domestically-inclined, or that I'd rather go outdoors and get dirty, than clean up anywhere. That's just not who I am. I tried, and of course, I still do, because I have responsibilities and roles to fill. It's as if femininity is something to be achieved instead of something to behold in the deepest parts of who we are.

fem·i·nin·i·ty

/noun

the quality of being female; womanliness.

Someone once told me: "You are a woman of dignity. That's just who you are. That's who God made you to be. You don't have to earn it."

I'd like to believe that we are women of worth and dignity, and our femininity is embedded in us too deep that we don't even have to try. Our capacity to embrace unpredictable wavelengths of emotions is unparalleled. Our tendency to nurture and be affectionate wells up from our core despite the walls we put up. Our beauty surpasses any artificial standard. No amount of scars from the past, nor depth of pain and insecurity (or even child-bearing), can measure or make us any less of a woman. We are exactly who we're supposed to be. We can be better versions of ourselves, by grace, but our identity as women has been carefully thought about and designed to reflect the relational heart of the divine.

You are beautiful, worthy, and loved. You are strong and brave. You are enough.

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