I have just come back from an insanely refreshing event last weekend hosted by Yabang Pinoy and CBTL's Brew Your Best Year. To be honest, I've always been afraid to call myself an artist, because heck, I haven't been published as a writer or recognized as a spoken word poet. But I realize we all gotta start somewhere -- a daily journal, a blog, a short story, or that first open mic performance. I am nowhere near these great and established writers at the Pluma: PH Literary Sessions, but I have my own story to tell, and it's important because it's very human and because it's Filipino.


I could go on and on about practical writing tips, or travel blogs' social media strategy, or the step-by-step to getting published. But I'm just gonna share my top 3 life lessons from this event.

You have to have a purpose

Just like with anything we ought to do, writing has to have a purpose. We always have to come back to why we're writing our piece. What's our objective? Are we focused on delivering that message, or are we being true to what we started out to do? Or sometimes purpose asks, is it really worth it? Why do I have to struggle this much just to say this and that? The more we focus on our purpose, the clearer our stories become. And remember, all masterpieces have a purpose (Ephesians 2:10). *wink, wink*

No words or stories are ever wasted

All the authors kept repeating that phrase in a variety of ways. Nikki Alfar described it as her folder entitled, "Amazing shit that didn't make it", and Marla Miniano associated it with, "No love is ever wasted." As Elizabeth Gilbert would put it, all love eventually becomes help. Your stories are basically your heart being poured out into words. They are filled with so many lessons, so much meaning, and a whole lot of pain and joy. And it helps. It helps other people know that they are not alone. It helps you reaffirm who you are just by reading through the string of words that didn't make it. When you speak these words out loud, it doesn't come back to you empty. Yes, you probably won't hear about it the way you expected, but it echoes in the lives of people who have taken it and turned it into something that's their own. Eventually you'll be able to use that torn-out chapter in another story, or maybe use that idea to make something new and tremendously better.

Filipino pride, baby!

This weekend was a revelation to me, not just with Yabang Pinoy, but also with Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf's World Health Day celebration, where I met a lot of advocates for mental health care in the Philippines. I am honored to witness the grassroots efforts of passionate people to build the nation, and meet authors who have made literature so authentically Filipino. Right now, at this moment, we are given the exciting opportunity to build and grow and take ownership of our culture, literature, arts, and other facets of being Filipino. Movements are coming alive to make us see what we've been blind to all along -- that we have something deeply beautiful and authentic, and no one else can fight for it but Filipinos themselves. We've been living in the shadows of foreign goods for too long. It's time to recognize our own worth. It's time.


With that, I promise to fall in-love with the Philippines even more by watching one theater show a month and purchasing one book a week that is created by Filipinos. I'll do my part to build and love the land that has helped me become who I am as a writer, artist, and a human being.

If you're living in the Philippines, you'd probably be overwhelmed by the sheer number of people being outsourced by the call center industry. Manila is most likely a favorite when it comes to hiring customer service representatives because Filipinos have been learning both English and Tagalog since the day we were born, plus we're basically culturally imperialized by the US *sshhh*.

To be honest, I loved my call center stint better than my corporate marketing job for a multinational shipping company. Office politics and rigid hierarchies just wasn't for me, and needless to say, my job didn't love me back. So when I was hired by this company as a call center agent for the super early morning shift, I was ecstatic -- mostly because the pay was good and I was making more money than people my age.

The call center I worked at was very lenient and had a different system in place so I got to work with different accounts in the span of five months. Here's what I learned:

1) People value empathy, even (and especially!) when you say "no"

I was on the phone with a very angry woman who got a fine because the ticket machine wasn't working. You know, usual day. I've basically memorized all the rules already, and since we were ranked based on productivity or the number of calls we were able to take in the shortest possible time, I immediately told her, in the nicest possible way, that there was nothing I could do for her. I can only send a message through, and she has to contest that $200 fine via mail. SHE BLEW UP. She was so angry that I had to call my supervisor to speak with her. In about 2 minutes, he magically got her to accept that we couldn't do anything for her.

I was saying everything right, but what made the difference? My supervisor was exercising empathy. First, he listened to her. He tried to relate to her by saying she must be having a bad day, and he knows how frustrating it is to get a fine, and that we're doing our best to escalate it for her, but she really has to go through the mailing process. As human beings, it's so important to know and feel that someone understands us. We don't have to have everything figured out for them -- we just had to be there, even just to listen. When I learned that lesson, calls became 200% easier for irate callers.

2) Words can make or break your day.

One of my favorite calls was from a guy who gave a lot of compliments. It was probably because he was just a good communicator. He managed to get me off my seat and ask my manager if I could give his dad a certain deal (which I didn't even know we could do). While he placed his order, we were also chatting about where I was from, since I didn't sound Filipino (not a compliment, btw, there's nothing wrong with the Filipino accent). I told him that I really enjoyed our conversation, and he wished I'd find a good bloke in Australia (hahaha, how informal was that?).

Another one was from an old lady who loved joking about how hot George Clooney was. Mind you, she's probably in her 80s, and definitely rocking the girl gab. I pretended to share the same sentiments about George Clooney, and told her that she was such a nice lady to talk to. And just like that, my day was awesome.

A conversation with an irate caller can put me in a bad mood, but fun, patient people can put me in a good mood. In real life, words can make or break a person. It could ruin their self-esteem and sense of self-worth, or it can speak life to them. I believe that genuine intentions go beyond phone lines and borders. Even if you're an expert at projecting your voice a certain way, people can discern authenticity, or the lack of it.

3) The good agents go above and beyond.

There will always be things you can't control, or special cases you don't know how to solve. When that happens, I have to put the customer on hold and consult my supervisor. Most of the time, there'll be many people lined up to ask questions, and the supervisor will just give you the easy way out and let you handle the call. I realized that the good agents, in a way, champion their customers' needs. They firmly believe that their customers' complaints need to be solved pronto, not because they don't want the customer to get mad at them, but because they think that person deserves good service, and because they are able to empathize and share the inconvenience of the customer.

So the agent will go back to the supervisor again and again to find the best solution, even to the point of taking care of it amidst other calls and calling back when they finally have an answer. This happened to me when a guy desperately wanted to have his stolen gift card reimbursed for his wife (he had receipts).

Unfortunately, we don't receive bonuses for callbacks, only for fast, sometimes crappy service. You can only be so good on a time limit, but cheers to those who try their best.

4) Let your heart break for other people. It's good once in a while.

The saddest call I received was from senior citizen whose carer hasn't arrived yet. I had a hard time getting her details and the name of her carer. Every time I asked, she'd burst out in anger. I tried to calm her down using my all-time favorite statement, "I understand, I'm so sorry about this, we'll try to contact her as soon as we can." She shouted, "No, you don't understand. Don't ever tell me you understand," and proceeded to talk about how hard it is to be old and alone as she cried.

She's right. I don't understand. My heart broke for whatever loneliness she was experiencing, and all I could do was pray she'd be alright. I let my heart break for her, because the things that break your heart changes you and begs you to make a difference. I knew I didn't want me or anyone else I cared about to be alone like that in the future.

5) Sometimes you just have to suck it up, and practice empathy all over again.

I have experienced so many emotions as a call center agent, but only once did I cry. There was this guy who was cursing me nonstop for a mistake on his order, which wasn't even my fault.  I asked him to stop cursing me 'cause I was trying to help, and the cursing got worse. I had to listen to it for half a minute until he ended the call, at which point, I couldn't stop my tears anymore. It was ridiculous. The only other time I felt that way was a couple of years back, when I swallowed my pride and apologized for something I didn't do, only to be insulted again.

There will be people whom you can't reason with. People whom you'll try to be patient, humble and forgiving with, but won't do the same for you. And the only way to get over it is to forgive and try to understand that other people are struggling with their own battles, too. After all, forgiveness doesn't free the people you forgive -- it frees you.


--
Aside from the really cheesy life lessons, being a call center has its ups and downs (shoutout to everyone on graveyard shift!). It's amazing in its own right, especially if you have a boss who really cares about you. It isn't for the faint of heart, and I can confidently say it's a job that makes a difference in people's daily lives, especially when an agent puts his heart and soul in it.

It took a broken heart and a little bit of fate to land in the sea. Well, technically a dragonboat in the sea.

It was the summer of 2016 when life hit me real hard that I was emotionally unstable and was constantly looking for things to distract myself with. By chance, I came across an ad for a summer training program with the DLSU Dragon Boat Team. I had been wanting to join, because people weren’t intimidating, and it didn’t seem like I needed to be muscular and fit to be able to join. For someone who’s not really the athletic type, team sports was not a thing. I was the kind of girl that people tried to avoid choosing during team games because I just wasn’t fast enough. My reflexes aren’t great either, but strength and endurance was something I can work towards -- slowly, but surely. And the team helps me grow faster and stronger.



Dragon Boat is all about speed as much as it is about strength. If you think that a water sport wouldn’t need a lot of land training, think again. Trainings are held four times a week at 4:30 in the morning. You have to get up hours before the sun comes up, travel to Manila Bay, stretch for a bit, and then, surprise -- you run, lift weights, and do a lot of calisthenics. Even though strength training is primarily for back and arm muscles, overall endurance still matters because, as they always say, you never know if the race would require ten, twenty, or a hundred more strokes and you just have to keep going. Dragon Boat is a test of mindset more than anything.



Mindset is what keeps you going when you’ve only had an hour of sleep and you try to decide whether or not you should still go to training. It’s the same thing that keeps you going when you’ve been rowing nonstop for 30 long minutes. You try to convince yourself that you’re not tired yet, and when that doesn’t work, you just hold it out one stroke at a time because there’s no such thing as stopping when you haven’t heard the captain say, “Easy”. You partner the “never-give-up” with the “finish-strong” mindset, distribute power in the right ways, and you end up with a determined team that trains for months to win a single race.



Ultimately, my love for the sport is fueled by the team (because definitely not the dirty waters of Manila Bay, haha). Aside from being fun and fulfilling, the DLSU Dragon Boat Team would probably not be able to stick it out for more than 10 years if they didn’t have the right culture. They make sure you learn how to encourage each other, compliment someone when they’re doing great, and correct them if they’re not. Being surrounded by people who are passionate about becoming stronger and faster pushed me to pursue health and strength in my own personal life. I started eating right, lifting weights at the gym to gain strength, running to improve my speed and endurance, and adapting the right mindset in everything I do.

Team building at Tali Beach, Batangas.

In the end, it didn’t even take a month before I started moving on from my own heart break, and I know that no matter what life throws at me, I’ll shout back at it with, “Kaya pa!”*

A rare sight at Manila Bay. :)

* - I can take it!

Sometimes, you just do things for free, whether it’s offering your talent or giving your time to something, purely because of PASSION.

A scene from "Guhit" during DLS 2k15: KOLAB

I don’t know how else to put it. To be honest, theatre does not relate to even one of my long-term goals. I’ve been thinking of quitting over and over again, but I am always reminded that even though my love for creativity and art did not start with theatre, it has definitely been a foundation in my life by surrounding me with people who are even more passionate for the arts -- and I don’t just mean theatre arts but the arts in general.

Despite coming home at 11 PM every day only to wake up at 4 AM the next day, despite failed grades, criticisms, and just pure emotional and physical stress, I have managed to stay for a year. Because if there’s one thing that theatre has taught me, it’s this: passion over fame.

A scene from "Balot" during DLS 2k15: KOLAB

Passion over your own desires. This means that the goal of the production comes first. It means working with people despite pressures and misunderstandings. It means staying up late at night to do a creatives poster or some other managerial task. It means doing prod work even if you have to take it home or do it alone. It means stepping out of your comfort zone and doing some things you are totally clueless about. It means not having to be asked to do what is needed. It means sucking up rehearsal nights even if you still have a lot of things to catch up to. It means doing something you never really signed up for even if you have to drag your feet to get there. It means working behind the scenes and being totally supportive of those in the spotlight. It means eventually embracing the hustle because you love what you do. It means you have a greater goal. The moment you become part of a guild, you stop doing things for yourself and start doing things for and with other people and enter a pursuit of a common goal.

HTG Apprentices 2k15

Maybe everyone who has auditioned for theatre has had that strong desire to perform on or off stage, but being a part of it is a another thing. Goals change from mere performances to bringing stories to life and baring hearts and souls with pure creativity to show that you and I are connected in the deepest, darkest, and most beautiful ways in our humanity.

"Love Each Other" - DLSU Harlequin Theatre Guild 2015-2016

It has been a pleasure to celebrate my differences with you, DLSU Harlequin Theatre Guild. I have been in college for 6 years and you are one of the things that has made it worth it. I am grateful that it was you. :)

I get it. Museums are boring and leave your feet hurting for hours as you stand before countless paintings and preserved things wondering whether or not you could summon natural curiosity or appreciation.

Baybayin, the first Filipino alphabet.

Look, you don't have to understand or like everything. You don't even have to go there for the sake of educating yourself. You just need to empathize. Think of it as an exercise of intentionally connecting. You don't have to be interested at first, because being intentional means knowing your goal, and doing things as if you planned or intended for something to happen. So intend to connect, because many times in life, you'll be needing that skill, even if it's just for being constantly aware that the world isn't just about you and your struggles.

The National Museum (visual arts building)

Drag your feet forward, from one gallery to the next. You might realize that some art forms don't appeal to you, and some pierces through your heart. Ask yourself why. If we don't put ourselves out there to discover the world, it'll take forever before the opportunities come for us to figure out which things or "pieces" in life we want to keep, or throw away, or pursue. Know that whatever you choose speaks volumes about who you are as a person. You get to know yourself better in the process.

It didn't take me long until I found myself in a gallery full of Juan Luna and Felix Hidalgo paintings. There were so much detail and emotion. So many times I just wanted to cry because even though I didn't understand art, it understood me. It knew the pain and the loneliness in my life. It knew the dull colors, the subtle twist of the mouth, and the sunsets that have been longed for. Sometimes we interpret art differently from why it was created in the first place, but the important thing is, we were able to relate to the expression. We don't all have to see things in the same perspective in order to appreciate beauty.

A painting by Juan Luna

I read a book which said that sometimes only beauty heals, like when you send flowers to someone grieving a loss. No amount of condolences would heal, but the flowers would steady the heart. I think it's true. I have found that the most beautiful things in this world are either created with joy or pain. We have the capacity to turn something so ugly and painful into something so beautiful. That's what God has been constantly doing to us, and He has given us the same ability to create things, to move on, and do something beautiful and better with our lives. It doesn't have to be an artwork -- it could be a community project, or loving and taking care of ourselves better, as long as we create something, whether it speaks of hope or desperation, because we know deep inside someone out there will understand.

A painting by BenCab.

Don't feel too bad if you just can't appreciate the intellectual worth and the symbolism in the art or the history. Accept that those things just don't speak to you. The day will come when you find yourself liking other things instead -- that you'll put behind the classic Juan Luna and Felix Hidalgo, and opt for a more modern, brightly-colored piece of BenCab artwork. Life comes in bulks of seasons. We may no longer connect to something as deeply as we have before, and that's okay. It only means we've moved on to a different chapter in life. Maybe one day we'll come back, maybe not. But there will always be something we can connect to.

There is healing when we finally understand that we are never alone in what we're going through (even if the person who has gone through the same depth of pain is a painter who's been dead for ages).

*finally realizes why painters are called pain-ters hahaha*

So many times, we get surprised with the way we're acting or how desperate we've been. Maybe for a guy we never wanna call "the one that got away", maybe for a dream job or a travel destination, or maybe just about anything that would make us feel alive, because this -- whatever we have here -- isn't working.

We want some things, and we want them now. It doesn't matter if we work an extra job, step on our own dignity, or slave away to any direction that may offer us just a little bit of that one thing.

For me, it's a PhD degree. And yet, here I am, 22 and barely making it out of college. Sometimes I wonder if God really knows what He's doing. I'm pretty sure I'll find out in a few years, but it's just really hard to trust when you're impatient.

For me, it's a guy and a family in the future that would probably change the definition of the word "settling" as I know it. Sometimes I really pray so hard that God would give me an artsy guy who has a way with words. Not a perfect relationship, but a little bit more than enough.

For me, it's travel, and how my heart wants to explode everyday with so much compassion and excitement to meet people and hear their stories. To stand by and watch life happen to others, to hear laughter and share tears, and to be expectant that life is ultimately beautiful and amazing along with the pain.

A few years ago, I was this girl who hated myself for being so brave about feeling the hurt as deep as it gets. Now, I'm the woman who just wants to feel and experience humanity as human as it gets. But it still doesn't help that I'm impatient.

You see, impatience doesn't trust. Impatience doesn't say it will be waiting. It doesn't promise anything, because it can't. Impatience will set one foot home, and one foot somewhere else. It doesn't wanna be held back. It sounds so good to be able to walk out and run away into adventure whenever you want, but impatience almost always gets you there at the wrong time. And to be human, in all the wonders of the word, is very much about waiting -- so much that it grows impatient.

I want what I want now. There are things I need to get done now. But there will always be things that I can't rush, or shouldn't rush. 'Cause when we grow impatient, we lose sight of what's here and now; and how beautiful it is to be able to savor every second of our awakening, as we all unfold with the world. Sometimes, it might not feel like it, but we're exactly where we're supposed to be.

The solution: "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure..." -Hebrews 6:19 | Internet Photo

Today, I had dinner with two street kids who were selling cigarettes and bottled waters at BGC. If you know me, you'd know I'm not the type to go out of my way to feed anyone, but not tonight, I guess.

I was hanging out with one of my girlfriends from church, when we decided to go somewhere for dinner. I've seen her give money to an elderly woman before, only to get rejected when she asked to pray for her. Now, she was being generous again by treating a kid to dinner, and it was contagious. Obviously, I'm not the generous type, but after carefully gauging if the kids were the hardworking type, I opted to chip in for their dinner, too.

Sometimes I feel ashamed when I compare myself to other women. I question why I'm not generous enough, or not as gentle-hearted, or why I put up walls to box my own compassion. Generally, as a human being, I lack so many things, but moreso as a woman, where I'm not even close to the ideal. But ideal is relative. We're chasing after elusive definitions and standards that we probably won't meet, 'cause that's not who we were made to be.

Is there a list of ingredients on how to be the best woman we can be? Maybe a right mix of characteristics where we don't confuse femininity with masculinity? I don't know. Some women are made to be ambitious, bold, and fierce, while some are made to be calm, tender, and reserved. Some are made to be a little bit of all of those, in varying degrees. Some are made to stay, and some are made to run away, both of which are daring in its own way. Some are probably made wiser, and some more erratic and emotional. Some are called to wage battles intellectually, emotionally, or even physically. And most will probably feel bipolar during that time of the month. But there is no shame in all of that.

I've harbored this feeling for so long, but I guess there's no point in hiding. I've felt insecure because maybe I wasn't beautiful enough, or smart enough, or caring enough. Maybe I was too talkative, clumsy, or outspoken. Sometimes I am made to feel less of a woman because I'm not as domestically-inclined, or that I'd rather go outdoors and get dirty, than clean up anywhere. That's just not who I am. I tried, and of course, I still do, because I have responsibilities and roles to fill. It's as if femininity is something to be achieved instead of something to behold in the deepest parts of who we are.

fem·i·nin·i·ty

/noun

the quality of being female; womanliness.

Someone once told me: "You are a woman of dignity. That's just who you are. That's who God made you to be. You don't have to earn it."

I'd like to believe that we are women of worth and dignity, and our femininity is embedded in us too deep that we don't even have to try. Our capacity to embrace unpredictable wavelengths of emotions is unparalleled. Our tendency to nurture and be affectionate wells up from our core despite the walls we put up. Our beauty surpasses any artificial standard. No amount of scars from the past, nor depth of pain and insecurity (or even child-bearing), can measure or make us any less of a woman. We are exactly who we're supposed to be. We can be better versions of ourselves, by grace, but our identity as women has been carefully thought about and designed to reflect the relational heart of the divine.

You are beautiful, worthy, and loved. You are strong and brave. You are enough.

Internet Photo

Needless to say, I need a break.

College has been a whirlwind that has swept me off my feet. In the past months since September, I had to struggle with depression and the thought of entering school as a freshman at the age of 21. I went to counselling. Then I signed up for the theatre guild, which has left me breathless even up to this point. Rehearsals every night, new relationships, renewed passions. It's been difficult, tiring, and amazing all at the same time. Imagine juggling engineering Math with artsy stuff on a trimester system (let's not forget the house chores).



I guess, even if it's proven to get tougher as time goes by, I still can't thank God enough for all the artistic opportunities. I got to try being a radio DJ, a TV talent, an events host, a spoken word poet, and an actress in the span of 5 months. Things that I never thought I could pursue. When the break doesn't come, you make it. Go out there and get it, even when fear makes your whole body tremble just at the thought of trying. I want to believe you can be who you want to be and so much more, and you only fail when you don't try.

But sometimes, you fail too, when you don't know when to stop trying.

So, I'm at that point in my life. I've really wanted to work on this blog, and I'm positive I'll be around this place for a while. But right now is a season for the arts, and I promise to enjoy it while it lasts. Passion can burn you up and consume you if you don't know when to rest.

So here. Chill.

I'm not sure I can even count how many cups of tea I've consumed this week. I've been spending time at tea shops after work to review for my admissions exam. Here it goes. It's like high school over again. I've taken them all in 2010, and then I took the SAT and the ACT in 2014, and now another exam. When will college end? Hahaha.

The truth is, I love learning. If I could be in the academia forever, I would. It's wonderful when you learn about new things, and challenge yourself academically with so many different minds from different generations. I don't think I can ever express my love enough for this matter. But degrees, though.

And as long as you can memorize them, that's good enough for me. -said no one.

Degrees have somehow become a basis of competition. They have become achievements and milestones, and rightfully so. Sleepless nights and pushing yourself to do more than you think you can deserve some recognition. But when it becomes a label of who gets accepted to what, and an economic detriment to disqualify people for jobs, it becomes a dangerous thing (especially in a society where education is a privilege and not a right). Even more so when we study not to learn, but to pass just so we can get a piece of paper in the hopes of snagging a job that earns us heaps money. It makes us mediocre.

And you know what, sometimes it just is. But loving is a choice. #hugot

Now, I'm a naturally competitive person. Sometimes I have this imaginary competition with whoever is the best in the field, even when there's not supposed to be a competition. I choose a person and set him/her as my certain "standard", and all I have to do is surpass whatever he/she has achieved so I can feel accomplished. But the truth is, if I didn't do better than what I've done before, or if I didn't give it my best no matter what, then I've already failed. And if I study mindlessly (I say that's actually a thing), without the love for learning, and without the curiosity and fascination that makes my heart beat faster, then I've defeated the purpose of my degree.

Yes, the question is a bit condescending. Lol.

At this point, I have drunk too much than my love for tea can handle. I'm actually procrastinating because I've spent days reviewing Math, something I'm not very passionate about (lol), and I have a feeling we'll be spending more time together in the coming months. And as I end this post -- it's also raining outside and classes are suspended as the Philippines is being gang-banged by three typhoons -- I just want to say kudos to the few who would rather brave the storms to go to school than stay at home with their contempt for education (of course, we all know how dangerous that is). Stay safe and revel in the rain, everyone!

xoxo,

Krish